The Question of Same-Sex Civil Unions

THE SUPREME COURT of California has just legalized same-sex civil unions, against the will of the voters of the state, and against all Anglo-American tradition and the ancient moral teachings of all the world's major religions.  But California is known for being quite interesting, if not outright odd.

But for the sake of argument, let's presume that Gay Marriage is indeed a Social Good, that ought to be promoted and preserved, just as real marriage was highly promoted and preserved by diverse civilizations throughout all the world and in all times in history.  Since we assume that Gay Marriage is Very Good, then we ought to likewise think that Gay Divorce is a very, Very Bad Thing.  And the Gay Divorce rate is very high indeed, far exceeding the rate of real divorce. So what can we do to preserve the Glorious Institution of Gay Marriage?  Here are some suggestions:

- Have a six-month waiting period between the application and granting of the marriage license.  This is common sense; "marry in haste, repent in leisure" is nearly a truism.

- To protect the bodily integrity of the Gay Spouses, tests for all known sexually transmitted diseases ought to be required.

- Get rid of No-Fault Gay Divorce.  This has proven disastrous to the institution of real marriage, and so doubly applies to Gay Marriage.

- Gay Divorce shall require a trial by jury, and all issues provoking the Divorce must be publicly aired and debated in minute detail; saving such an Important Institution as Gay Marriage deserves nothing less than the most distinctive, and highly public, legal process of our great nation.  In the United Kingdom, Gay Divorce shall require an Act of Parliament. Certainly the highest deliberative assembly of the Realm ought to have a say in the dissolution of this Most Important Institution.

- Gay Divorce ought to be rare, safe, and legal.  The best method of preventing the horrors of Gay Divorce, which as we believe is so very harmful (since Gay Marriage is so Very Good), is for the supermarket tabloids to publicize, in excruciating detail, unstable Gay Marriages, as a warning and a deterrent.  Gay Divorcees ought to be socially shunned and whispered about behind their backs for causing so much harm to this Magnificent Institution.

- As such a Stupendous Institution (which must be true, for the California Supreme Court threw out centuries of precedent, as well as the rules of formal logic to create it), Gay Marriage must be encouraged by the strongest measures.  Building on the universal principle of "Why Buy the Cow When the Milk is Free", Gay Fornication must be criminalized and the laws strictly enforced, because of the even higher principle of "You Gotta Pay Before You Play".

- Adultery is one of the main causes for divorce, and certainly is most bitter for those involved; therefore it must be strongly discouraged.   So, Gay Adultery must be criminalized, with heavy penalties for harming this Most Important of Institutions.

- Likewise, the civil courts ought to hear Gay Alienation of Affection lawsuits, where the plaintiff can sue a third party for harming their Gay Marriage.  Severe financial penalties for pain and suffering seem entirely appropriate, and ought to be practically unlimited.  Again, for the Good of the Institution, all circumstances must be publicly discussed in minute detail.

- Circumventing the Institution of Gay Marriage is not to be tolerated.  Partners living together as husband and, um, whatever, after a certain time period, will automatically enter a Common Law Gay Marriage.

I suggest that the California State Assembly start work immediately at implementing these common-sense measures!